


Next on Mythbusters: Can Luggage Move Itself?

by tigerbright



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett, MythBusters RPF
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Silly, Yuletide 2008
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-09
Updated: 2012-02-09
Packaged: 2017-10-30 21:00:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/336030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigerbright/pseuds/tigerbright
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Originally written for sadisticferret in the Yuletide 2008 Challenge.<br/>http://yuletidetreasure.org/archive/76/nexton.html</p>
            </blockquote>





	Next on Mythbusters: Can Luggage Move Itself?

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to my dear husband teddywolf for excellent beta reading and for the title. Many thanks to my awesome roommate for watching the kids so I didn't have to default this year. (2008)

"Seriously, you guys, we could SO build this." Tory waved The Colour of Magic1 over his head. Grant ducked reflexively.

Scottie and Grant exchanged glances. "There are so many reasons..." Grant began, only to be interrupted by Kari.

"Hey guys, you would not BELIEVE what the fans think we should try and build."

"The Luggage?" Tory asked hopefully.

Kari snorted. "That would be easy compared to what the fans want. They want us to try and replicate one of the machines from Animusic!"2

Scottie and Grant exchanged glances, again. Grant sighed. "Hey Tory? Much as I hate that book, I think I'm going to have to borrow it from you... might even have to finish it this time."

Scottie sighed in turn. "Why couldn't they have asked us to try and prove headology3 instead?"

Tory giggled. "Headology... oh, I know headology all right." Fortunately, the sledgehammer missed.

\--

Adam looked hard at Tory. "So I find Scottie hard at work welding about a gazillion4 tiny robot feet onto a base for a glorified handbag, and Grant trying to figure out a robotic timing mechanism for up to three hundred legs, and Kari carving arcane symbols on a wooden chest, and you painting sharp white teeth and sewing a big red flannel tongue to go over yet another robotic mechanism... and this isn't even a fan suggestion?" Jamie grunted in agreement.

"Hey! I'm a fan!" Tory said indignantly. "I'm a Terry Pratchett fan!"

"You are DISTURBED, that's what you are, man." Adam told him.

"Hmp." Jamie rolled over to his computer and pulled up a spreadsheet. "Have either of you taken a look at our budget lately?"

"Guys. It will TOTALLY rock. The fans will love it. Honest."

Adam and Jamie looked at each other. "We could sell it to Discovery as a competition," Adam suggested.

"I am not building an animated treasure chest," Jamie said firmly.

"No, no." Adam waved the idea away. "WE build an animated musical instrument." He rolled over to his own computer and pulled up EBay. "Look, this auction closes in twenty minutes, and it's only $200 for an entire marimba!"5

Jamie glowered. "I am NOT animating a marimba, there's no simple and direct solution to it." He turned to glare at Tory. "Well?"

"Look, there have been fans of Terry Pratchett since before there was Mythbusters. Heck, since before the World Wide Web - ever heard of Usenet?"

"Of course Jamie's heard of Usenet," Adam broke in, "he helped build ARPAnet!"6 Jamie rolled his eyes.

Tory smiled obligingly and continued. "Guys, I know this sounds crazy. But some good narration and some fun time-lapse stuff like we always do for big builds, and this could make a great show. Honest. And we might even pull in some folks who just lump us in with the rest of reality TV."

Jamie turned back to the budget, as a wrinkle formed below his beret. Adam winked at Tory, who beat a hasty retreat, trying not to grin.

\--

Cameras rolled. Metal was welded. Scottie swore, took off her welding mask, wiped her face, and stalked off. Grant and Kari explained the foot and tongue mechanisms to the camera in excruciating detail. Tory bounced excitedly, never quite breaking anything. And then, it was Runtime.

\--

The living room is dark. You watch the television, leaning forward, as the scene unfolds... the promos have been teasing you for the past week.

NARRATOR: The build team gives us a wrap-up of this fantastic fantasy build.7

On-screen KARI: We decided that going small-scale on this was silly; all the detail in a fraction of the space. Besides, Tory was going to drive us all totally insane if we made him wait.

On-screen SCOTTIE: Tory wanted hundreds of feet, but that was ridiculous. I can do repetitive work, but after 150 of those damn things my eyes were blurring, and it was becoming unsafe. Besides, don't you have enough shots of me being sweaty in a tank top?8

On-screen GRANT: I was just as happy, really. The math on a robot swinging one sword? Easy. The math on 150 little legs and feet propelling a large wooden chest in some kind of order? Not so much.

NARRATOR: And if the math is beyond Grant, the rest of us are hopelessly lost! Unless, of course, you've been reading the all-knowing footnotes.9

On-screen TORY: I really hope this works. But even if it doesn't, it looks really cool.

On-screen KARI: It's going to be either the most awesome thing ever, or fail spectacularly. Grant and Scottie did a great job on the feet and legs, and Tory and I had great fun with the tongue and lid, and we know that works. [cut to clip of the tongue going out of the chest and licking TORY, who falls on his butt with surprise while SCOTTIE and KARI laugh at him]10 But we've never had all the feet have to work at the same time before.

On-screen TORY: Okay, guys, it's the Moment of Truth!

NARRATOR: Or at least a moment from fantasy.11

On-screen GRANT lifts the remote and presses the ON button. The Luggage lurches to its feet, swaying drunkenly. Another button, and the lid opens, showing gleaming white fangs. With the left-hand joystick, GRANT extends the tongue and retracts it. KARI whoops.

On-screen GRANT glances nervously at the others. "Okay, guys..."

Your child presses the pause button and runs off with the TiVo remote.12 You chase him, retrieve the remote, give him the nearest not-too-noisy toy, and return to your comfy chair.

On-screen GRANT: Okay, guys. Here we go.

He uses the right-hand joystick this time. The Luggage lurches forward. One step. Two steps.

You have your hands to your mouth, trying not to scare your child (or your neighbors). You pause the playback and take a deep breath, then hit the ten-second jump-back button.

The Luggage lurches forward. One step. Two steps. It begins a third, and comes crashing to the floor, landing on the front bottom edge and rolling forward. The still-open lid crashes down on the tongue as it lolls out of the top. Teeth break and roll away or get stuck in the flannel.

On-screen TORY: That was AWESOME!

[slow-motion repeat of Luggage taking two steps then falling over]

NARRATOR: Awesome, perhaps. But it doesn't look like this overgrown animated suitcase is heading back to the Counterweight Continent any time soon; too busy tripping over its own feet.13

On-screen GRANT: I guess we'll hear soon on the fan site as to whether people liked it. I feel bad for Tory, though.

Instant-replay TORY: That was AWESOME!

NARRATOR: Don't feel bad, Grant. I think Tory liked his Luggage just fine. But how will you replicate the results?

[fade to commercial]

You let the commercials play and head to your computer. You've just GOT to see all the out-takes on the website.14

\--

Footnotes:

1 While your average Buns and Noodles clerk will tell you that any series should be begun with the first book, this is not true of the Discworld series. The Colour of Magic has sent many a hardcore fantasy humor fan screaming into the night, never to be seen again, screaming something about That Bastard Rincewind. Start with Guards! Guards! or Mort or Wyrd Sisters or really any book that doesn't feature Rincewind or Twoflower, if you value your sanity. You can always go back and fill in later.

2 If you like music, and like animation, you need to stop reading this story and go to the Animusic website. Really. Then you need to think about the Mythbusters episode where the build team tests whether a burning piano explodes, and think about Tory and Grant trying to play said piano and sing. Then think about them trying to build a musical instrument of any kind. Yes. Exactly. Building the Luggage becomes a good idea.

3 Headology doesn't need Mythbusters to prove it. If you've ever been convinced by your mother that it was a good idea to clean your room, by your peers that it was a good idea to down ten espressos (or beers) in a row, or by your children that it was a good idea to go out sledding, you've been gotten by headology. Other good examples include the Ponzi pub crawl, being owned by a cat, and securitizing mortgages. Which Mythbuster is best at headology is a matter of debate, as each team member is convinced that they regularly succeed at it.

4 Gazillion, as every small child knows, is a short way of saying "More than I really want to think about." And as to why Adam uses small child slang... surely you can answer that yourself?

5 Because Adam's ALL about the fan service.

6 The World Wide Web is how you are able to see web pages on the Internet, like this one. Duh. Oh, and if you call it Intarwebs, you are a lolcat. Usenet came before the World Wide Web, and consisted of things called newsgroups. Newsgroups were basically one step above mailing lists. There was no central server, just this huge network of servers owned by a bunch of different organizations (mostly universities and computer companies) which agreed to exchange the newsgroup messages and reduce productivity among students and employees. Frequently these newsgroups erupted in flamewars. But you're reading fanfic - you already know what a flamewar is. ARPAnet, according to Wikipedia (and you'd better darn well know what Wikipedia is), was the world's first operational packet switching network. You use packet switching every day. You don't need to know what it is, any more than you need to know why electrons are important to magnetism. Just love it. If you are geeky like me, then go read about it in the medium of your choice.

7 We footnotes do a MUCH better job of commentating, don't you think?

8 Better not answer that.

9 Hah! There's a reason I don't write in NUMB3RS fandom. You'll get no help here.

10 Because Tory falling in an embarrassing fashion is never not funny.

11 Nothing wrong with that!

12 TiVo is a godsend to parents everywhere. Never again will you miss an important part of a TV program because of a child-instigated interruption. On the other hand, you may get more interruptions. But you do have the option of watching those violent shows you don't want to expose your children to whenever they're asleep and you're not. Yeah, I know.

13 Oh, Narrator, you are so erudite.

14 Because the Discovery Channel is still run by people who want to make a buck, there is lots of stuff on their website to put advertising space into. And if you have a fast enough computer and Internet connection, you might actually be able to watch their videos.

**Author's Note:**

> 2012 edit: Wow, this is outdated in ways I could not have anticipated.


End file.
